Reply to David Still's email
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Subject: Re: job offer
Dear David,

Wow! This sounds perfect! I am excited to meet you and talk about this awesome opportunity! Here is my phone number: (206) 736-9452, just ask for Raymond!
But forgive me for asking, what exactly is it that you are looking for?

More of my comments are below your email!


On Sat, 23 Mar 2002, the Hive of Retarded Minds known as 'David Still' wrote:

> Dear First Name,
>
> Since our first message I have been very away of your communication
> skills. I feel that you demonstrate a number of capacities closely
> resembling my own, which is why I am approaching you. My company is
> looking to expand, and is interested in developing its communications
> staff. Basically, they asked me to find someone with abilities parallel to
> mine.

BLAH FUCKING BLAH BLAH BLAH! BUT SOMEHOW -- MYSTERIOUSLY -- I WAS ENTICED TO READ ON FURTHER!

> I am aware that your capacities in IT and communications in general have
> been underestimated, and would like to see you in the position you
> deserve. I firmly believe I can offer you a job that will do justice to
> your talents. With us you would be able to stretch your abilities, and
> develop your skills. It goes without saying that this would also be
> attractively reflected in your financial reward. Clearly things are at an
> early stage. I'm testing the waters to see if you're interested - if you
> are, we'll take it further.

LET'S GO ALL THE WAY TONIGHT -- YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

> I feel quite certain you could join our team, and have every faith that
> you could do the job equally as well as me. Please let me know if I've
> managed to trigger your interest in what could be, I'm sure, a fascinating
> career move.
>
> David Still


<an open response to whichever 'David Still' wrote this time, in the style of jerkcity:>

T DAVID AHGLUAHGLAHGALLUGHALGHALGAHHGALHGHSLSHGAHLAAGA HOMPH CLOMPH (URRRPP):

THANK YOU FOR YOUR MOST CONSIDERATE 'JOB OFFER'!!!111 YOU MOST CERTAINLY GOT MY HOPES UP!!!! NO REALLY YOU DID

HOWEVER I AM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE MY POST AT THE GLORYHOLE, NOT FOR NO ONE, NO HOW! SOME OF THE WORLD'S MOST IMPORTANT DICKS PASS THROUGH THIS WING OF THE NEW MEXICO TERMINAL AND THEY MUST ALL BE CAREFULLY LICKED -- AND THEN UNLICKED!!!!11

BESIDES! SINCE BEING STUPID ENOUGH TO POST MY RESUME ON THE INTERNET, I HAVE ONLY GOTTEN RESPONSES FROM RESUME BOTS AND HEADHUNTER MAILERS!!! PERHAPS THIS IS BECAUSE I AM ONLY QUALIFIED TO 'LICK PRICK!' OH THAT AND THE CAR WASH BUT I CAN EXPLAIN THAT

DID YOU KNOW THE WALL STREET JOURNAL REPORTS THAT STATISTICALLY ONLY SIX PERCENT OF PEOPLE FIND THEIR JOB VIA INTERNET WHILE SIXTY PERCENT FIND IT BY 'NETWORKING' WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!?!???

NEVER MIND THAT, I LIKE TO CALL IT THE 'WALL STREET URINAL!!' BECAUSE I READ ABOUT STOCKS WHILE BEING POUNDED REPEATEDLY .. IN FRONT OF THE URINAL!!!! YOU GUESSED IT! SO I THINK MY CHANCES OF FINDING A JOB ARE A LOT BETTER 'NETWORKING' DOWN HERE WITH THE VAGRANTS AND THE WINO BATHROOM ATTENDANT,
GIUSEPPE!!!!11!!

HERE HE IS (HE WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING!!!!!11)

Hello DAVID STILLS! how are you! Do you like-a my meatballs? They spicy!

1) Let's say you... Sell a $24.95 PRODUCT or SERVICE.
2) Let's say you... Broadcast Email FREE to 500,000 PEOPLE DAILY.
3) Let's say you... Receive JUST 1 ORDER for EVERY 2,500 EMAILS.

CALCULATION OF YOUR EARNINGS BASED ON THE ABOVE STATISTICS:
[Day 1]: $4,990 [Week 1]: $34,930 [Month 1]: $139,720

WHAT A TERRIFIC OPPORTUNITY!!1111 ALMOST BETTER THAN LICKING PRICK!!! 1111 EH?
----- ---- --- -- - -
You now know why you receive so many email advertisements...
===> BROADCAST EMAIL ADVERTISING IS EXTREMELY PROFITABLE!

<now that I've clearly GOT YOUR ATTENTION>


Deliberately sending out an email with a job offer in it to someone who's unemployed and been seeking work since last July isn't just funny -- it's HI-LARIOUS! I think will crawl a little farther into this bleak pit! I call it 'my little pornography addiction!' Oh god more bills? WANK WANK WANK SPURT!!! WHAT BILLS? YEAH!

But don't WORRY about ME, Dave! I just found out that UNEMPLOYMENT here in my state got EXTENDED by some KOOKY POLITICIANS who clearly REALIZE that our country is, well, PRETTY FUCKED! So I'm getting me BACK on the DOLE! WOOHOO

Thanks so much for WRITING! But as you can see! The future is VERY BRIGHT for me! And by BRIGHT I mean, oh CRAP, gotta get back to the STALL! We're getting in a 'SHIPMENT' of MEXICANS! A whole 767 worth!!!111 Better practice my ES-PAN-YOUL! E.G.: ES PAN YOUL LIKEE ME LICKEE!?

BYE FOR NOW! WRITE BACK SOON!


NAME WITHHELD FOR GAY, SELF-CENSORSHIP PURPOSES


()
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|| America the Beautiful,
|| Lives On!
|| SUCK OFF A SERVICEMAN TODAY!
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||lc
||is a fat, fat lady
e NAME WITHHELD

23 Mar 2002 18:03:38
     
e Johan Blomdell
<johanblomdell@hotmail.com>
23 Mar 2002 18:03:21
Subject: Re: job offer
dear David.

I´m thrilled to hear an offer like that from you! I did so enjoy our conversation and I am clearly interested in a second meeting.
Right now I have completed the second version of the program I´m developing and it´s working fine! This means that the option of a new challenge is most interesting right now.

Yours truly

Johan B
     
Subject: Re: job offer
eerrr thanks, mm that's great I want some money and stuff, maybe some of those big coffee machines... oh that 's so great plus now and then we can have some meetings and talk about it, oh really I have to go now but will be back soon eeeerrr oh that's good news huh????

http://www.suture.net
e Ricky Cox
<suture@suture.net>
23 Mar 2002 15:03:16
     
e Moe

23 Mar 2002 15:03:35
Subject: Re: job offer
Dear David,
sounds interesting, please let me know what kind of project you are planning and how you see me fit into it.
I'd be happy to recieve further information about the project, how I can contribute to it, and how much time will be involved (I'm working on tight schedules but i can make arrangements).
cU,
Stephan "Moe" Mosel
http://stephanmosel.de
     
Subject: Re: job offer
i don't like to work
e 
<ElissaSlevy@aol.com>
23 Mar 2002 14:03:01
     
e samara murrell

23 Mar 2002 13:03:27
Subject: Re: job offer
Hey Likkle Jerry,

I love you tooooooo babyyyyyy!!! How is everybody doing??? Jared and I can't wait to see everybody! WE MISS EVERYONE SO MUCH! WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SUCH A GREAT TIME IN JULY...YAHOO!! Kiss everybody for me and since right about Now a sista is BROKE, i'll take any job you got for me (joking)! SEE YA IN THE DIRTY STANKIN SOUTH PLAYA... MAKE SURE Y'ALL ARE READY FOR THE REVOLUTION!!!
PEACE.......(YA HEARD)!
     
Subject: Re: job offer
Dear David Still,
I wonder what position in the comunications center you'd be interested in offering. I imagine I would have to reject most offers. I am currently involved in many charities that consume a considerable amount of my time. I also can not help, but wonder if this to be taken as a joke like many of the odd letters I have received from this address, or if it should be taken seriously. To whomever the actual writer of this letter may be my skills include; webdesign, sewing, collaging, and cooking. I have no issue comunicating, and hope to someday be multi-lingual. Best wishes on finding the correct employee, or amusement you were looking for.

Regards,
Rosie
e rosie@vented.org
<rosie@vented.org>
23 Mar 2002 13:03:43
     
e Bruno Campanella
<brunocampanella@yahoo.com>
23 Mar 2002 13:03:00
Subject: Re: job offer
Brazil????
I don't want to work in the jungle!!!!
Well, it will depend on the offer you make.

--- David Still <d.still@davidstill.org> wrote:
> Hi Bruno,
> Do you like to travel with me to meet the owner of my company in Brazil?
     
Subject: Re: job offer
Dear David,

I'm very tired right now. The bags beneath my eyes grow pregnant with the want of sleep. My eyes long to be quenched by the sweet sweet lube of their reddened tear ducts. Vessels which carry vital blood to my eyes' cells have become chaffed about the edges. It pains me deeply to read my own words.
Yes, the very words I write to you now. Forgive me.

In response to your letter, I would like to say... yes.

Signed,

Lee-Roy
e Lee-Roy

23 Mar 2002 12:03:38
     
e Rozenn Morizur
<rozennmorizur@hotmail.com>
23 Mar 2002 12:03:55
Subject: Re: job offer

Dear David,

It's always a pleasure to receive such a mail ! I don't know you very well at the moment, but I agree to have a discussion about a job.

You've got my address, give me yours...

Just have a look to the photo I send you.


David Still is a good invention... Next time, I'll tell you about an artistic invention : Laura's Group, the best of art in the best world.


Bye          RozN
     
Subject: Re: job offer
Dear David,

I suspect you are my husband:)

And as he is British and prone to playing some major practical jokes, let me say, I take things with a large mountain of salt .. heheh

Regards,

Marva
e marva

23 Mar 2002 11:03:03
     
e Niamh O'Neill
<niamhoneill@hotmail.com>
23 Mar 2002 11:03:50
Subject: Re: job offer

Dear David,

You are right, I am talented, able and probably even more capeable than you in many ways. I would love to be part of your fictitious team  as would my friends Snow white and Roger Rabbit.

Regards,

Niamh
     
Subject: Re: job offer
dear david,
my gorgeus one!
thanks for the kind email.
i'm sure i can do a very good job at the david still inc. (or was it david still pharmaindustries?)
you know, i'm not as handsome as you are (proof my email addy), but i think i have a major talent sucking corporate cocks.

just let me know how much money i can make and if there will be the possibility to shag you (or someone vaguely resembling you).

ah! then give me an hint of what the job is all about.

hopelessly devoted to you,
john sinclair.

not that free, not that human.
e sinclair
<notpretty@libero.it>
23 Mar 2002 11:03:51
     
e marva

23 Mar 2002 10:03:33
Subject: Re: job offer
Dear David,

chuckle:)

I think your web site is hilarious:)

Thanks for the offer:)

I don't know that any of what you have to say is real in the last email, but it did peak my interest:)

I think I've only sent one message to you since I received my first David Still project email:)

Marva
     
Subject: Re: job offer
Dear Mr. Still,
You have indeed sparked my interest. However, I must question whether or not your message of a job offer is sincere, or merely someone with your identity, writing an illegitimate message. Your email address forces me to ponder what is real and what is just make believe. Please write back soon

--Ethan
e 
<EthanM14@aol.com>
23 Mar 2002 06:03:45
     
e Charlie Kubly

23 Mar 2002 00:03:28
Subject: Re: job offer
David: Beam me up Scotty!! I am for sure interested. Where'd you hear about me? Put me in coach, cause I am ready to play. I've just bout kicked my herion habit and am ready for the real world again. What's the game this time? You need some people wacked, or prehaps some goods transported? I am your man ...I need 50% up front, cash. I need to get laid big-time too. A nice girl would be the tits. Call me bout the job... I'm in the yellow pages under "Smooth". Nothing but best and laid up for the rest. The rest is dog meat!

Your Man On Da Street
     
Subject: Re: job offer
Hi, I got your message sorry it took me a while to respond but I've been a little busy around the house, Anyways you have me interested so write me back and tell me whats up...

-Joshua
e Joshua Shamblin
<joshuashamblin@hotmail.com>
22 Mar 2002 23:03:37
     
e Emily Norton

22 Mar 2002 22:03:24
Subject: Re: job offer
Dear Mr. Still,

I have to admit, I'm somewhat mystified at the simplicity of your email.
What kind of communications job are you offering? How did you become aware of my personal IT and communications skills? What is the company you wish me to work for?

I have several other questions in mind, but I would appreciate a reply regarding the few listed above. If you are serious about a job opportunity for me, and are a competitive employer, please send me an email with further details regarding your business.

Thank you,
Emily Norton
     
Subject: Re: job offer
I am honored that you would choose me. It is so hard to find work these days with all the shit i go through. I wake up every day and usually end up sucking around 20 dicks, which takes close to 4 hours when i am lucky, cause first you gotta worry about finding the customers then there are those guys that take like 30 minutes to get off, and all that just for a daily fix. That doesn't even acount for finding shit for my woman or my kid. I'll tell i have never in my life seen a kid that snorts up as much smack as my little fuck-up. then there's keeping cops off my back. after i rapped that little
boy some four months back they started fucking with. Damn conservative bastards. they are against freedom and love. they just oppress and dominate, i swear i get so upset sometimes that not even beating my woman can calm me down. I just don't understand what this world is coming to. But it can be all better, now that your here.
e Austin Tindle
<austintindle@hotmail.com>
22 Mar 2002 22:03:46
     
e 
<Jennifer.Potter@lsa-assoc.com>
22 Mar 2002 22:03:49
Subject: RE: job offer
Well thank you so much, I am deeply flattered by your faith in my abilities. I am eager to learn more about what I am sure would be a fascinating and lucrative position. My only question is, would I still be able to wear my chicken suit on casual Fridays?

Jennifer
     
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